InfoScrolls.com
Troll Brain
Hello and welcome to InfoScrolls.com, where we dismantle the Aldmeri globalist hegemony one hand-written manuscript at a time.
As you know, ever since the Thalmor performed a ritualistic sacrifice and opened up a portal to the waters of Oblivion, our society has become possessed by evil Daedric entities. Bent on polluting the minds of our jarls and seducing the will of our sons, they poison our well water with Dreugh Wax and Elytra Ichor, casting illusions of frenzy and fear. That's why I recommend 'InfoScrolls.com Troll Brain: Alteration Boosting Daily Supplement and Poison Preventative.' Made with all natural ingredients and free of any alchemical impurities, it's proprietary blend of Nirnroot, Scrib Jelly, Sload Soap, and Troll Fat will improve your mental acuity, lower your reaction time, strengthen your erection, and help you build an immunity to the influences of extra-aethereal, mind-altering magic. 'InfoScrolls.com Troll Brain,' "Think like a Troll, Spank like a Sload." Visit InfoScrolls.com in order to purchase yourself a lifetime supply today.
This statement has not been evaluated by the Tome and Potion Authority. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.
InfoScrolls.com
Food Barrel
Hello and welcome to another edition of InfoScrolls.com, the last line of defense against a shifting paradigm.
If you're a longtime reader of this publication, then you know that we've been under attack for quite some time. Ever since the illusion-wielding cabal of polymorphic Argonians had us banned from the printing press, we've had to resort to transcribing and distributing each individual edition by hand. In that period time I've had 4 paper cuts, and 5 couriers have gone missing. That's why in order to fund our continued operations I'm selling the 'InfoScrolls.com Food Barrel: Emergency Provisions for the End of the Kalpa.'
What will you do when Alduin returns to ignite Nirn? Protect you and your loved ones from the coming firestorm with our densely packed barrels of protein. Using our patented 'InfoScrolls.com Protein Pounder,' we're able to pack 5000% more protein into each barrel versus that of our competitors. Sandwiching layers of meat between blankets of salt, we use a large cylindrical stone to compress the contents of each barrel down into a new form of matter, leaving it completely untouched by alteration magic and free of Daedric influence. The resulting material is a substance denser than gold, and 50 times as nutritious.
Stay full for longer, nibble on one little crumb from within this barrel and you'll feel like you swallowed a mouthful of rocks. In fact, the last time I ate was from my 'InfoScrolls.com Food Barrel,' and that was 9 days ago. Since then I've been unable to keep anything down. My body is saturated with so many nutrients, that it's rejecting the need for any other food. The 'InfoScrolls.com Food Barrel,' "Don't be caught hungry when the world gets eaten." Visit InfoScrolls.com in order to purchase yourself a lifetime supply today.
WARNING: This product contains an ingredient that is not recommended for human consumption by the appropriate authority in High Rock, Hammerfell, Cyrodiil, or Summerset Isle.
Testimonials
Product: Troll Brain
"I don't like 'em putting chemicals in the water that turn the friggin' sloads gay!"
Product: Troll Brain
“I've been mixing this stuff 50/50 with Brynjolf's Falmerblood Elixir and a sprinkle of moon sugar and have never felt better. Riften's water supply is notoriously polluted and this combo neutralizes the chemicals completely.”
Product: Food Barrel
“infoscrolls (Food Barrel) is the funniest tastiest thing I’ve seen eaten in this hellhole since yesterday…”